求托福改作文 獨立寫作

題目：

求托福改作文 獨立寫作
TPO-1的獨立寫作
題目大概是同不同意學校應該在體育設施和社會交往方面加大投入
Sports and social activities should definitely be regarded as important as classes and libraries and should receive equal financial support.So critical it is for a diverse and dynamic educational institute that we can hardly find reasons not to offer more support for spots and social activities.
As diversity is becoming a more indispensable component of universities and college,sports and social activities are more crucial parts of the high-quality education.It’s hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement.Nowadays,a high standard educational institute is paying more attention to bring up students with personalities,hobbies,and other important characters and abilities.If they didn’t see sports and social activities as indispensable components,they would be less attractive to excellent students.
Without sports and social activities,students only can devote themselves in the monotonous all-day study and will be lack of the ability to keep balance of entertainment,study,and social communication.This will obviously leads to a consequence that students have difficulties taking care of themselves and managing time and daily activities.It will also do harm to students』 health,passion,and curiosity.
Universities and colleges should provide more financial support to sports and social activities due to many students are short of the awareness of the significance of the extra activities.Admittedly the expense for classes and libraries are crucial,but more financial support for sports and social activities is also necessary for the reason that it will enhance the awareness of students to take part in more activities besides to study.Hardly can a person achieve a lot without a good health and social communication.It seems critical for universities and colleges to publicize the point of view to students.
I believe the situation that lacking of awareness of sports and social activities will be improved as the universities and the colleges give more financial aid.Only in this way,can students experience the diverse campus culture and activities.

解答：

1.第一段秀語言是好事,但不必過度,會導致閱卷人閱讀困難.建議長短句結合.
2.第二段「As diversity is becoming a more indispensable component of universities and college, sports and social activities are more crucial parts of the high-quality education""成爲一個更加必不可少的成分」可以,但後面的「more"翻譯不通啊
3.第二段」It’s hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement.「這一句從句部分不完整.要麼It is hard to judge a person according to his/her academic achievement,要麼It is hard to judge a person according to whose academic achievement is.第二種說法本身也有問題,「根據的是誰的學業怎麼樣」翻譯不恰當.所以建議你用第一種.
4.pay more attention to後面要加動名詞,這裡「to"是介詞.pay more attention to bringing up...
5.If they didn’t see sports and social activities as indispensable components, they would be less attractive to excellent students.主語」they"與前指代的內容單複數不一致.應該是如果學校不把...但你前面提到的學校是單數
6.第三段「devote ...into..." ; be lack of ability "of" keeping balance "among". ;
7.第四段第一句"due to"後面是不能跟句子的,用」because「
8.Admittedly後面要加逗號
9.the expense for."is" crucial
10. Admittedly the expense for classes and libraries are crucial, but more financial support for sports and social activities is also necessary for the reason that it will enhance the awareness of students to take part in more activities besides to study.後面的部分強行使用從句非常糟糕.建議分成幾個簡單句.The expense for classes and libraries is crucial. So is the financial support for sports and activities. As a result, besides study, the awareness of taking part in those sports and activities enhance a lot.
11.托福寫作的分論點要求 觀點+原因+例子.你的分論點互相交織,不清晰.你的文章過分闡述,沒有任何細節例證
12.托福寫作的結尾要求 總結分論點+期盼.你的重述分論點不完整.
13.文中的「more"用得太多,換別的,如the increasing number of..
14.注意段落間的銜接.多用過渡詞,如first and foremost,in addition, furthermore, what is more
15.文章努力用難句,長句,語法表現出你積極向上的一面,但要基於基礎,不要隨意造句,生澀的用從句+從句的方式.儘量用自己讀到過的句子