托福tpo 10 獨立寫作求改

題目：

托福tpo 10 獨立寫作求改
結構,論述,句子都有什麼不足還請多指教啊...這個大概能得多少分呢?
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Playing computer games is a waste of time.Children should not be allowed to play them.
In recent decades,an epoch of information technology,the development of computer games provides people with a new way of entertainment.But many people think children playing computer games is a waste of time.But I hold a different view.
I disagree with the point that children should not be permitted to play computer games.
First,I think computer games provide children with a temporary escape from the stressful learning and give them relaxation.Nowadays,heavy school work makes a lot of children feel stressful and depression.And playing computer games is a fantastic method for them to relieve this kind of feeling.They can immerse them in a world of game and forget the problems for a moment.To some extent,it may have some positive effect to their study.Children can be refreshing after playing computer games,so they will be full of energy when they go back to learning.
For another point,in the course of playing computer games,children can build many good characteristics which are dispensable for their comprehensive development.For instance,when children play the Counter Strike,a shooting game,they must from a team to defeat their enemies.In this process,they will learn how to cooperate with other team members so it would develop their teamwork.
As a critical point,playing computer games can develop children's intellectual level.Some people may think it is ridiculous,but here are some examples.In the game Super Mario,in order to gain more scores,children must have a sensitive reaction.So play the game can help children develop good response ability.And many games have a background full of culture and history knowledge,which make children learn many things in the process of entertainment.So if children often play these kinds of games,it will be beneficial to their intellectual development.
From the several perspective I propose,I think playing computer games isn't a bad activity for children,some people may think that playing computer games will have negative influence on their study,but I believe as long as children can play them in the proper time and not be addicted to it,the benefit will be much larger than its disadvantage.

解答：

我嘴比較毒,不要見怪啊
1.正式英語裡面but,and,so不要拿來開頭
2.I disagree with the point that children should not be permitted to play computer games
我不贊同兒童不該被允許玩電腦遊戲的觀點 如果你要state your point,儘量用最簡潔的句子
3.I think computer games...這種句子前面去掉i think會讓別人覺得這就是客觀的,更有力一點
4.And playing computer games is a fantastic method for them to relieve this kind of feeling.They can immerse them in a world of game and forget the problems for a moment.問題一：前面還是單數,後面就they了 問題二;指代不清 they 和them是什麼?and是並列的話 they forget the problems for a moment是電腦遊戲暫時忘記了問題嗎
5.Children,provide..with...用的太多 ridiculous偏口語化 諸位不一致的情況很多啊,they must from a team ,children's intellectual level,children must have a sensitive reaction,good response ability...
6.因爲我在一所國際學校學了三年,老師告訴我們他覺得學生寫作最大的三個問題就是1.Use big words 2.Not specific 3.more examples than explanation.文章里的people是誰?老師家長麼?既然後面已經解釋了玩遊戲也是有好處的,to some extent就顯得沒有意義了.Build good characteristics具體是什麼?爲什麼後面只舉了一個團隊合作的例子?
Some people may think it is ridiculous,but here are some examples.這句話太可怕了!
這篇文章里開頭結尾兩段掐掉,body paragraphs裡面例子完全多過解釋,要是寫SAT作文還可以,但是放在一個偏argumentive essay裡面簡直%#……%#……啊.邏輯性要加強,logic一定要大於emotion