托福作文求評分!有些人覺得他們可以靠自己或他人的幫助解決Important problems ,因此人們不需要政府的幫助

題目：

托福作文求評分!
有些人覺得他們可以靠自己或他人的幫助解決Important problems ,因此人們不需要政府的幫助.
Nowadays,many people have their own circle in which they think they can always find help,so they don't need the government's help at all.However,given the value of government's help,we notice a picture of difference.Most of the time,people need to resort to their government because the government does can provide some advantages for solving their important problems.
First of all,the government can bring a higher feasibility of settling a matter.In other words,because the government has a broader connection with others and a stronger power,it is possible for the government to figure out some really tough problems that a person cannot settle by his limited ability.For example,the founder of one local company -the Kang's once encountered an annoying problem solved by the local government at last.At that time,there was still a great gap between his goal and the reality,for he was lack of capital in a fair amount.After resorting to his friends and all the people he knew,he had only one hope left-asking the government for help.Immediately,the government published his needs to other provinces and acted as a medium.Finally some investments were brought in and the Kang's was born.Now,the Kang's is one of the most influential companies in China,penetrating its products throughout the market.However,if the founder just stopped planning because of the dilemma he met,there would never be such a success.
Secondly,some tough problems can only be solved by the government; some problems are too hard to settle by your own struggle.For example,if you live by a river,and the river is dirty and stinking all the day,you will go to ask the government for help.Because you know by your and your family members』 endeavor,the big problem cannot be settled.On the other hand,looking the government for help is the only choice left for you.Only the government can stop companies polluting the water.Indeed,you have to resort to government.
Admittedly,I concede that not all the problems can be solved by the government,such as some personal problems.If your friend betrays you or if you are hurt by your lover,and these problems are seem important to you,but you will not inform the government.Moreover,the government will probably not help you.In your opinion,asking your family members is the most reliable way,because they know your conditions well,so they can propose the appropriate suggestions for you.However,besides these troubles,you still need government's help in your life.
To sum up,it is rather superficial to simply say that we do not need government at all.

解答：

評分比較長,你給高分我多說點,你等下好吧,不能我寫著你採納了
再問： ...好吧... 給你多少分？
再答： 托福作文評分先看結構，你這篇文章在結構上總體還好，開頭直接引入，提出問題，綜述觀點，兩大段正面理由，最後寫反面再總結，論點照應主題，全文流暢通順，。 再說具體內容，首先說論點，這就顯示了你這篇文章最致命的弱點，沒有具體到針尖的論述，換句話說，論述的看似合理，充分，仔細一看卻是漏洞百出，或者說簡單點，論證的不充分。 第一個主體段，你講到HIGHER FEASIBILITY， 那麼什麼叫可行性？，就是說政府有更高的能力做成一些事，比家人和朋友做事的能力，在一定角度來說更強。所以，建議在FEASIBILITY後進行具體解釋，以方便爲下面的論述做基礎，因爲FEA是個抽象詞，只有具體到固定語義，才算具體。然後你的第二個問題就出來了，當你寫了183個字之後，你的第二個理由段竟然又重新把第一個理由短的論點換了個說法，堂而皇之的又來了一遍，只不過又補了個例子the government can bring a higher feasibility of settling a matter.和some tough problems can only be solved by the government;的區別，如果硬說這兩段的區別，我覺得還不如改成government resolves individual 和 resolve company。你應該把思路放寬，不要拘泥，比如這一題來說，我覺得government is more reliable than friends and family or government has great experience, so works more efficiently等等，具體理由不細說 上面是主要問題，其他方面我覺得你做的還行，不過進步空間還是蠻明顯的，加油 至於分數，我斗膽打個3分，畢竟失誤比較大，沒關係。 鄙人愚見，還望指正。 linwoodfeng英語牛人團
再問： 邏輯確實有問題。 那你是否能幫我想幾個論點，讓我開開眼界？謝謝
再答： 請稍等1 In the first place, I think governments are always more reliable than friends and family. We always learn from TV that betrays take place in the most intimate friend, even family. However, these things cannot ever happen on governments cause common people is the root that governments rely on. 2 Secondly, since oceans of people get help from government, a mature institude has already formed in government, which means that it is rather convenient for everybody to get help from government, without wasting too much time on futile procedure. 3 Thirdly, relying on government is a safer idea than resorting your friends, you will never know what gonna happen in the relationship, but it is completely trustworthy for considering government. 第一和第三有些重，你可以參考一下，當然還有很多.