托福作文求批改：D/A:your jobs has more effects on your happiness tha

題目：

托福作文求批改：D/A:your jobs has more effects on your happiness than social life does
Nowadays,people have a wide agreement thatwork plays an important role of people life and everyone pursues happiness.However,people have conflicting opinions on whether their jobs have more effects on your happiness than their social life does.As far as I am concerned,I wholeheartedly believe that individuals』 jobs influence their happiness more.
In the first place,no one can deny the fact that individuals spend most of their time on their work,especially in the modern society,while usually they do not have enough time to enjoy their social life.We go to work from Monday to Friday,such a long time!Thus,we have to be enthusiastic about our work in order to make sure that our life is worth.On the other hand,in most cases,social life has its specific purpose such as improve relationship with colleagues or expand human resources,which sometimes makes people feel stressful and tired,thus,people cannot get sense of happiness from their social life at all.
In addition,when it comes to individual’s career,most individuals believe that their jobs are what they dream of.Since we were at a young age,our parents always asked about our dream jobs.Be a scientist?Be a supermodel?Be a businessman?Be a doctor?Be a lawyer?Job exactly helps us achieve our social value,which is very important for a person who is ambitious and want to do something good to society.For instance being a scientist can improve development of science; being a businessman can improve development of economy; being a doctor can save patients』 life; being a lawyer can uphold fairness and justice.Obviously,individuals』 jobs provide them an opportunity to get sense of achievement,which is a crucial factor of their happiness.Nevertheless,few people consider their social life to be a sign of happiness.
Admittedly,we are under overwhelming pressure from our work while some people might think social life can help them relax.What I am trying to say is,as a person works in this modern society,it is a must that you have to learn how to adapt to pressure,change your attitude towards jobs and enjoy your job.If not so,I am sure that you cannot take a good break even while dong your social activities,because people can tell your depression from your face,however,no one wants to make friend who is upset or freaking out and know nothing but always complain about his job.Change your attitude towards job and be passionate about is,you can enjoy the happiness from work and social life.
Let us summarize what have been discussed above,work time occupies lots time of our life and there is no reason for us to hate or complain about our jobs.We can achieve our social value from our jobs.Therefore,jobs have more effects on individuals』 happiness than social life does.

解答：

Nowadays, people have a wide agreement thatwork plays an important role of people life 第一句話不好,我會問你你爲什麼這麼說.
wholeheartedly這個詞用得太矯情了
most cases太抽象,哪些case?
On the other hand, in most cases, social life has its specific purpose such as improve relationship with colleagues or expand human resources, which sometimes makes people feel stressful and tired, thus, people cannot get sense of happiness from their social life at all.病句啊.
非限定性定語從句,which不能只帶前面整個句子,只可以指代前面的詞.
jobs have more effects on individuals』 happiness than social life does整篇文章沒有論證出more來啊!而且more這個東西是論證不出來的
邏輯有些混亂,建議每段把主題句寫在第一句話.
望採納
再問： 我覺得more是論證出來的 只是真的有點邏輯混亂 沒有把主題句舉在第一句的緣故 還有which 不能指代前面的句子？我記得可以啊。。。In most cases 不行的話 for most people 可不可以？
再答： 1. which在口語中是可以指代句子的，但是真正的英語文法中是不行的。你也可以看看托福閱讀裡面的which從句， 2. 其實most那個地方我是想讓你進行specific的解釋，比如most cases, especially.../ including... 3. 主要原因就是主題句沒放在開始。