托福作文求批改,優缺點,得分 我12.19 一戰!

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托福作文求批改,優缺點,得分 我12.19 一戰!
External appearance will provide important clues of people
Some people always assert that we should not just judge a person by his appearance.Admittedly,we should not totally make a conclusion to a person by his external.But we,actually,have to take into account the externals as one standard of judging people.That's say external appearance is imporant for ones' life and social relationship.
First and foremost,the external appearance of people will effect the recognition of others basically.For instance,you are a boss of a company and need to hire some graduates to join into your company.Two guys come to the interview,which are hosted by you and your colleagues.One is in suits and ties perfectly and another is in dirty cloth and slipper.Which one will have more possibilities to pass the interview,if they are equal in background and professional skills.I think the answer is absolutely clear that most of the leaders will choose the first guy as company's employee.So apparently our judgement towards people will be easily influented by the external appearance,especially when we don't know each other better,even through we maybe have not realized the fact.
Another main point worth mentioning of my propensity is that we can see the inner traits of people by the external appearance.Some people frequently boast to others how excellent and perfect they are.How can we trust a guy's saying thoroughly without a clear T-shirts and shoes.In daily life,we must commit that the bad custom of personal sanitation will give us the feeling that they mostly lack of responsibility and good learning habits etc.The lacking sense of sanitation will not influent only in the outlook of a person,but also in different section of your life.You maybe lazy for everything you involved in and never have the positive attitude to do something even it is your loving part.
From the two factors I deliberated deeply above,it's seemingly easy to find out that the external appearance is so important and definitely influence different parts of our life.As a conclusion,we should corrects some of our bad personal habits to make us more accessible for the society and life.
用時:29

解答：

1.當用 people 時,後面用 they 和 their .當用person時,後面必須要用 he or she ,而不能只用其中一個.總體感覺你的文章裡面 they 和 we 用得比較混亂.
2.用第三人稱的時候,注意後面動詞的形式.（也許只是你的輸入錯誤了吧）*^_^*
3.結尾有些欠妥.最後一句話可以是對文章的總結或者對未來的展望.第一句和第二句之間過渡的很不自然.例如你可以加這句話 - However,in fact,this thoughts is very one-sided even though sometimes it is a standard to judge a person.在描寫對未來展望的句子時,前面不能用 as a conclusion,並且我覺得 accessible 這個詞用在這裡不恰當.例如：In addtion,I hope that people will correct their thoughts and bad habits that judging person by his or her appearance to make society and life more beautiful.
4.文章結構清晰.但是句子形式過於單一,你應該用一些 transition words 把句子連接起來.此外,文章的開頭你可以用一個疑問句,這樣會引起讀者的興趣（最主要的是引起判卷老師的興趣）,例如：Do you base on people's appearances to judge them?I think almost everyone's answer is yes.Do not say no,please let us honest.Actually,no one can really do.