托福作文求大神批改!急,還有7天就考試了

題目：

托福作文求大神批改!急,還有7天就考試了
Some people prefer to do whateverjob with high salary,but others prefer to do the job that they are interestedin despite the relatively low wage of that job,which of job do you prefer?
Aswe know,money is very important for us.Life is grounded on money.If you arerich,you would level live a comfortable life.For example,eat delicious food,live in big beautiful house or dress comfortable clothes; if you are poor,yourlife would be terrible.Maybe eat badly,live in a bad condition flat,or dresscheap clothes.So,having a job with high salary is a good way to earn themoney.A discuss that choose any job with high salary or choose a low wage thatyou are interested in.For me,I would like to choose a high salary jobalthough I am not really interested.
Firstly,high salary can bring me happy life,I can buy lots of things,for exampleclothes,pets,beading and so on.I am a girl who really enjoy shopping,so moneyis the most basic conditions.If I have a little money,how can I buy theclothes that I want?Last month,when I went shopping with my friends,I saw a skirtwhich is expensive but every suitable for me.I really want to buy up to now.If I get a high salary job,I can buy the clothes easily when I get the salary.
Secondly,I can try to enjoy the job that with high salary.As the saying goes,interestcan be cultivated.As long as I work hard and had achievements,I would grew tolove this job.
Thirdly,if I get a low pay of job that I am interested,I would work happily,but Iwould not earn enough money to life.In fact,the salary should support notonly my life but also my family.Such as I would give the costing of living tomy parents and I should pay the fee of school to my son.How can I do this if Ido not have enough money?I have an example of my cousin.She is a painter whoworks in a painting company,likes drawing very much.However,her paintingskill are not every good so that very few people want to buy her painting.Shework with very income,and her parents give money to her every month,so shedoes not concern about money.In contradict,the money that my parents earnonly can support themselves,so I should support my life by myself.
Inconclusion,I would prefer to choose a high salary job although I am notinterested at first,I would try to love this job and do a good job in my work.When I get the salary in every month,I would enjoy my life.

解答：

不是我打擊你.你這次托福作文估計懸了.
你的文章結構沒問題,第一段我建議不要太強調有錢和沒錢的差異,因爲題目涉及了錢和興趣兩個方面,起碼要個興趣一點文筆才能引出你的觀點.第2觀點太短,要寫飽滿,你如果實在寫不出來興趣的話就索性寫個反面的,然後上面改成部分同意.
語法錯誤微多,單詞用法不對,比如「I would grew to love this job.',哪有grew to love的說法,可以寫成The achievements I got are going to encourage me to work hard and enjoy others clapping.
你需要寫的更detail一些可以彌補你用詞的缺陷,比如eat delicious food（此次應改爲eating,因爲做主語）可以改成tasting Carruades de Lafite一類的.