托福獨立寫作,求狠拍!幫助我用一些好詞和好的句式吧,我覺得我用的都太簡單了>

題目：

托福獨立寫作,求狠拍!幫助我用一些好詞和好的句式吧,我覺得我用的都太簡單了>

解答：

First那段
teaching 而非teach
grow 而非 they grows
without knowing前面的and要去掉
such as 列舉最後一個並列項前要加and
Then,the children would learn to spend money carefully while understanding the value of it.這句用這個結構表達句義不好,因爲while是表示同時發生,這樣邏輯不通順,可以考慮改成Then,the children will become aware of / understand the value of money and thus learn how to spend it carefully
抱歉明早有事就先看這段
如果有空我會再回來