托福獨立寫作求修改和建議,12月2號就考試了.

題目：

托福獨立寫作求修改和建議,12月2號就考試了.
In fact,from my personal of view,half successful people try new things and take risks and half do what they know how to do well.Both of the approaches lead to achievement.Furthermore,a few brilliant people combine them.
Fulfilled individuals tend to do novel tasks which seem out of their control.For example,Mayun who is the CEO of Taobao,the best on-line shop in China,created website about Chinese business information for Chinese businessmen in order to attract investors overseas before the time when China witnessed the period of Internet,which means that time Chinese businessmen could not check what Mayun did was genuine or not.Although the beginning was harsh,the website turned out to be a prudent project when China had the access to the Internet.And all the other counterparts could not compete with their forefather.Mayun made his first program successfully,though he was unconfident whether the website would rage in China.
Nevertheless,there is another kind of successful individuals who reach their goals by doing what they know how to do well.For illustration,businessmen in Wenzhou,an affluent city in China,keep manufacturing the same production from beginning.They never or hardly think about other industries,while instead they focus on one or few specific productions.In this way their goods with reasonable prices and applauded quality are prevailing in China.It is they are awareness about what they can do best for the marketing and their industries at the same time that guarantees their accomplishment.
As to the well-known celebrities,I maintain that they do both to grasp their goals safely using two propellers.For instance,Bill Gates who founded Softerware makes a significant donation to the informatics period.He had sophisticated computer skill and far-sighted view,leading his innovation in the computer industry.
In conclusion,successful people have at least one characteristic to propel then on the way to the rosy destinations.

解答：

文筆很好,但是沒利用好啊,很可惜.
首先,開頭那個half.half.是不好的.我會問,憑什麼說是一半一半啊,我還認爲是所有人都是去嘗試新鮮事呢.所以第一段建議先說明這爲什麼是個問題,然後表達觀點.
文筆沒的說,很好,但是論證略顯單一,不要只用舉例論證啊.每一論證段儘量都用上正面論證,舉例論證和反面論證.
不能一句話結尾.
望採納
再問： 我真不會寫開頭和結尾，望提點，還有中間也總是想時間很長，300字只能剛好達到，但是托福好像550字以上才能有好點的分
再答： 字數不是問題，300以上就行，當然，能多寫一點最好。重要的是文章的層次感。 開頭：背景+觀點。 結尾：觀點+背景 就拿這個題來舉個例子吧。 開頭：in today's fast-paced society, a vast majoraty of people are under too much pressure because everyone wants to be winner in the general competition, thus being accomplished. hence, some people assert that people should just do well in the area they study in order to be successful. But i doubt this view could bear much analysis. 結尾 ；from the evidence offered above, i can hardly believe that.... on the contrary, i think..... so, people should be encouraged to .... 我只是給你一個例子，一般我都是這樣寫開頭和結尾，但肯定不是最好的。