剛寫了一篇托福獨立寫作,求批改,

題目：

剛寫了一篇托福獨立寫作,求批改,
People listen to music for different reasons and at different times.Why is music important to many people?
正文：
It can never be doubted that music has been the best companion of human beings since it was used in oringin hunting and military.Music still takes the one of the most important role of our life.It can temperate our mood,consolidate our heart and make the fasion points.
Human can be touchd by music.People who are listening to the relaxed,fine,music tend to behavior easily and happily.By contrast,the sadder melody you listen to,the gloomier you will be.For example we can find that the good music is played in most of makets to attract and stimulate customers to purchase more.As a matter of fact,the turnover of market which plays fine music will be more than those which do not.
Music also can consolidate our hearts and volition.When we face some difficulties or setbacks,Music can strength our confidence,help us conqer the difficulties.Marseillaise,which is the anthem of France,is a famous song all over the world.In 18th century,French people got the final victory of the Great Revolution under the inspiration of Marseillaise.Another famous music is the Internationate,which was created by Eugène Pottier,composed by Pierre De Geyter.The Internationate conmemorate the revolting of the French workors and the failure of the Paris Commute.Now it is still the song of battling over the proletarians.
In the past of decades years,the muti-styles of music has been created by artists.They are Blues,Hip-Hop……all of them became the fashion focus at that present and have been welcomed by most of young people.It is the music that forge some super stars who we chreished,the king of cats(Alvis Presley),the beatles andMichel Jackson which is my favorate super star.The music which they offer us give us happy,feeling of fashion and self confidence.
「No music,no life」.which is the famous saying by some fans.,tell us that we will not enjoy lives without music.It is too important to miss any part of the wonderful music.People are expecting more and better music.

解答：

第一段,human beings改humanity.origin改ancient.Music still takes the one改Music is still taking.role改roles.of our life改in our life.temperate改temper.
第二段,touched改moved.relaxed改relaxing.fine去掉.behavior改behave.by contrast那句和上文不連貫,用不著比較的結構.for example後面最好加逗號.而且看不出for example到底是爲什麼提供example.the good music改成music.to attract的那個部分改成to attract customers and stimulate them to purchase more.最後一句比較錯誤,more than的部分改成more than that of those markets which do not,前面的market最好也改成複數
第三段,第二句裡面的Music用不著大寫,help前面的逗號改成and.in 18th century改成In the 18th century.馬賽曲的例子不好,因爲當初的革命有暴民的成分.Internationate更不好,宣傳社×會×主×義的,共×產×主×義,無產階級的老外更討厭了.而且兩個都是法國的.workers拼成了workors錯了.不是寫中國的作文,這兩個例子怎麼能用呢?政×治啊!
第四段,decades後面的years去掉.the muti-styles of music改成music of different types.most of里的of去掉.some super star里some去掉.後面舉出著名歌星之前,前面最好加上for instance.後面which,相同的錯誤,改成who.The music which they offer太繁雜,which去掉.另外這些基本都是死人,要用過去式,offer改成offered.
第五段,fans後面既有逗號又有句號!句號去掉.some又來了,改成quite a few之類的不行嘛?tell改成tells.It is too的那句我是看不懂,再者miss有歧義.
這些是大略看一遍的結果,問題貌似不太少啊?是第一篇吧.詞彙有的很高級,有的比較傻x,應該是查過字典的.用法上有些錯誤,語法不太注意,很多都是SAT改錯之類的經典錯誤,例子選的不好,也不夠多,而且你的萬能例子裡面應該沒有這個吧.沒有連接的語言,這個倒也無所謂,但是影響速度.文套你還是準備一個的好.文章開頭結尾缺少中心語,只能說明music is important卻不能回答why is music important to many people的問題.這篇文章兩問的第一問算是回答的比較好.定語從句太多,句式比較單調,沒有一個牛句,沒有名言,建議去看看倒裝句的用法.
樓主的文章和一篇優秀的托福文章相比還有很多不足,建議你哈,要用SAT作文的水準來要求自己,這樣才能寫出好文章.我覺得SAT的語法和詞彙部分對寫作文還是很有好處滴,一定要多看多練.

我已經n久沒有寫托福、SAT的文章了（去年10月份就全部搞定了）尚且能看出那麼多錯誤,如果讓一個SAT、托福的老師來看不是問題更多.再者SAT、托福不是沒有這些硬傷的錯誤就行的,還要優秀才行.邏輯神馬都要好,敘述要清晰,語言要有氣勢（反問,排比,反諷）一些修辭你中文裡會用,英文也要會用的哈.按照SAT的標準,只有嚴格要求,才能出成績的.而且啊,考試的時候你會緊張,就更麻煩了.不過好在你時間充裕的很,現在多練練,SAT寫出接近滿分的文章托福寫出篇好文章還是完全可以的.而且文章要寫的快才行,托福的時間應該是比SAT充裕的多的,應該可以寫的很長,要寫的長要有例子填充,這些都要你平時積累.
像這篇文章的例子應該還是挺好舉的,比如
愛因斯坦喜好小提琴,因爲他認爲物理和音樂有著密不可分的聯繫,音樂有著物理的規律,然後瞎吹一通（放心,名人軼事本來就是吹出來的）
辛德勒名單的主題非常好聽,很多人都喜愛,出於人們心中的正義感和對善良的支持（這就比你的國際歌好,反法西斯、講人道肯定沒有爭議的）這樣音樂的重要性在於可以宣傳愛的主題,讓人們牢記歷史.
再來個假設的虛擬,如果星球大戰的電影沒有約翰威廉士的配樂會多麼單調啊,說明音樂對於渲染一種氛圍非常重要.
等等等等,思維要發散一點.托福的還是比較具體的,不像SAT的比較抽象,例子應該更容易想到才對.