托福獨立寫作求修改+估分（09年的一道題）

題目：

托福獨立寫作求修改+估分（09年的一道題）
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.
When it comes to the issue of whether we should choose a job with more free time or with higher salary,most people may have an opinion that we need to earn as much money as we could in order to make our lives better.However,this idea is somewhat not very practical.There is no doubt that those who have a well-paid job can always enjoy more in their material lives,but more vacation time can provide people more opportunities to enjoy their mental lives.
First of all,people can have the chances to experience a lot of different things at their vacation time.An increasing number of people begin to have a distant trip in their vacations.For instance,I would like to visit Tibet,a province with a spectacular landscape in China,if I have enough time to do so during my holidays.The snow mountains,the blue sky and the surge of the Yangzi river in that area indeed appeal to me a lot.I believe that will be an unforgettable and special experience for me to have a close contact with the nature and learn more about the local culture and history of that region,which can benefit me by expanding my horizons and knowledge.
In addition,there is a growing aware about how important it is to get full-relaxed before we go back to work.At workdays,people can always hardly find enough time to do some sports to relax themselves,but they are able to do so in vacation time.For example,I have a friend called Lily who has a job with a 3-month vacation every year.She is very satisfied about this vacation time even though she can not get a higher salary because she can spend 2 hours a day practicing tennis at her spare time,which makes her body healthier and her mood more relaxable.Besides doing sports,listening to music,watching movies or doing some other things are all good forms of relaxation.Those can refresh our mind from long-time brain work so that we can work even more efficiently and actively after the vacations.
Finally,another equally crucial aspect is that more holiday time are needed for us to reunite with our families.It is undeniable that parents always want their children to make more money to improve their lives,but nowadays,more and more parents are more likely to require more time to spend with their children together.The working people really need to have more time to communicate with their families so a long vacation time is required.
In conclusion,while earning money is necessary,the true happiness depends a little on money.Therefore,having more time to enjoy our lives seems to be more important than just making a large number of money at the expense of our vacation time.
30分鐘寫的,我7.28二戰,還有15天,這次想沖110,就拿這篇來說大概能得多少分,前提綜合沒問題的話?

解答：

邏輯比較清晰 每段的轉折句 句語句之間的連接處理還是可以的 但是細讀一下 你的定冠詞用法是個問題 還有一些表達不是很地道 比如儘量將第一人稱作主語 少用名詞性短語作主語 少用被動式 邏輯性是可以的 分數應該在26-27分左右 注意一下細節和定冠詞用法更好啦 總之還是不錯的!